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11/14/2016 9:13 pm  #1


If I may, share my story, in hopes to find some inner peace....

Greetings every one!  I'm new here. Thank you so much for having me!
~~~This story might include some triggers for anyone that is easily triggered~~~

4 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar1 with psychosis.  I had my first mania episode after I finally stood up to someone who I needed to stand up to for a long time.  I felt so good after, but so anxious that I went into full blown mania.  A lot of my friends said I had become enlightened.  I did not think I was better than anyone, but that is how I felt.  I came up with a slue of theories (most of which I still believe to this day) on how to heal human suffering.  I ended up writing a (what I thought was genius at the time, and kind of still do) poem in which I fully made love (not lust) to the entire universe.  Not only did I take the Lord's name in vein, I actually took it's name.  Like I thought I was experiencing the universe through God's "eyes".  At the end of the poem I accidentally wrote something that could have actually (in my psychotic mind) ended time. 

I am not religious by the way, but I did grow up in an anglican family who did attend church, even though from a very young age I saw right through it.

I ended up posting something of FB about being your own personal jesus and how mind blowing it was to realize that.  I feel bad about it because I realize that I might have actually blown somebody's mind, like I did my own.

A friend later messaged me saying that I should think about my entire life.  Which in some cultures, is considered the kiss of death.

That's where my psychosis started.  I thought that everything everybody said, whether it was to me or not, was speaking to me through God telling me how much of an awful person I was, and that if I didn't kill myself, then it would be a lot worse for me when I die of old age.  At one time I believed if I didn't kill myself then God was going to come and do it for me through somebody else.

I had terrifying visions of what would happen to me after I'm gone.  I won't share them because I'm still terrified.

I had a second psychotic episode last year and the same messages were coming to me, even though what triggered my psychosis was completely different.

I have always considered myself spiritual over religious, but it just goes to show how engrained religious teachings can become.  I often wonder what my psychosis would be like if I had never attended church.  Would it be my spirituality attacking me?  This is why I'm scared of both.

I have always connected with the wisdom of the various North American Aboriginal cultures (I'm sorry, I don't know what term you prefer, in Canada I think it's aboriginal), and I really want to learn more.

If there are any prayers you can offer me, or on my behalf, I would be so so grateful!

Thank you. So much.
 


"The lamps are different, but the light is the same" - Rumi
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing" - Socrates
 

11/15/2016 6:31 am  #2


Re: If I may, share my story, in hopes to find some inner peace....

Thanks for sharing your story with us, a lot of people like yourself feel as though they are being pulled in all directions .all you can do for the time being is to take your meds prescribed to you by your doctor and take it one day at a time.religion is very different from being spiritual I'm going to take Thunder Bows words now religion is about Pray Pay and Obey I think it suits religion perfectly. spirituality is a way of life you are connected to everything.
 every one wants to follow the Native American ways because they are so connected to mother earth/the Native people in canada are usually called The First Nations.
 its good to talk about how you are feeling it is through sharing your story that can also help you. its good to have you here


The spoken word always comes back as whispers in the wind.
 

11/15/2016 8:37 am  #3


Re: If I may, share my story, in hopes to find some inner peace....

You are not an awful person. That "God" was just your mind telling you that. You were feeling that way because of how you grew up, and how you interacted with other family members. It was an early feeling that you captured early on, and is not really true. It was just your early minds reaction. Now you can work on letting go of those feelings. Healing takes time and determination. You healing journey has now started. Some times we need to stand up for ourselves.

Last edited by Thunderbow (11/15/2016 8:39 am)

 

11/15/2016 10:15 pm  #4


Re: If I may, share my story, in hopes to find some inner peace....

Acorn Oaktree wrote:

Greetings every one!  I'm new here. Thank you so much for having me!
~~~This story might include some triggers for anyone that is easily triggered~~~

4 years ago I was diagnosed with bipolar1 with psychosis.  I had my first mania episode after I finally stood up to someone who I needed to stand up to for a long time.  I felt so good after, but so anxious that I went into full blown mania.  A lot of my friends said I had become enlightened.  I did not think I was better than anyone, but that is how I felt.  I came up with a slue of theories (most of which I still believe to this day) on how to heal human suffering.  I ended up writing a (what I thought was genius at the time, and kind of still do) poem in which I fully made love (not lust) to the entire universe.  Not only did I take the Lord's name in vein, I actually took it's name.  Like I thought I was experiencing the universe through God's "eyes".  At the end of the poem I accidentally wrote something that could have actually (in my psychotic mind) ended time. 

I am not religious by the way, but I did grow up in an anglican family who did attend church, even though from a very young age I saw right through it.

I ended up posting something of FB about being your own personal jesus and how mind blowing it was to realize that.  I feel bad about it because I realize that I might have actually blown somebody's mind, like I did my own.

A friend later messaged me saying that I should think about my entire life.  Which in some cultures, is considered the kiss of death.

That's where my psychosis started.  I thought that everything everybody said, whether it was to me or not, was speaking to me through God telling me how much of an awful person I was, and that if I didn't kill myself, then it would be a lot worse for me when I die of old age.  At one time I believed if I didn't kill myself then God was going to come and do it for me through somebody else.

I had terrifying visions of what would happen to me after I'm gone.  I won't share them because I'm still terrified.

I had a second psychotic episode last year and the same messages were coming to me, even though what triggered my psychosis was completely different.

I have always considered myself spiritual over religious, but it just goes to show how engrained religious teachings can become.  I often wonder what my psychosis would be like if I had never attended church.  Would it be my spirituality attacking me?  This is why I'm scared of both.

I have always connected with the wisdom of the various North American Aboriginal cultures (I'm sorry, I don't know what term you prefer, in Canada I think it's aboriginal), and I really want to learn more.

If there are any prayers you can offer me, or on my behalf, I would be so so grateful!

Thank you. So much.
 

Maybe if i share a little bit of my process it may help. So here i go. I grew up in a family that wasnt serious about religion. But for whatever reasons they had me go through the catholic programs for kids. I remember at some point it must of got me to some degree. Cause i remember telling one of my friends you got to believe in jesus. He didnt agree and i agreed i was wrong to think or say that. So at least imo i was able to only get caught into it for a bit and it only took a moment for my friend to bring me back out of it.

But with that said we become programmed in ways depending upon what we are around. And when real spirituality comes it has a way at least for me of washing away the non sense. In the washing away is a lot of strange stuff surfacing and letting go of. In that part of the process i wouldn't judge what it is. But for me i found being thankfull of it surfacing and washing away. Plus there is a oneness about things. Many things coming up could just be coming out of a soup of a collective mind.

Once the phenomena of ascending happens it i have found shakes things up. But some time after things relax and you begin to feel normal again.

It can feel like you are everything and you are making everything. That pheomena is more like for me riding a wave of what is. You aa i see it arent making what is but experiencing it through you. What ever it is its ok. In relaxing to that those kind of experiences can arrise and fall without the mind going about thinking if i only thought this rather than that. If i only did this other than that. It is better to be more like witnessing than attaching to it in that experience. And if you dont just carry on and dont worry about it. Thats what i have found for me.

Feeling the universe as love is like the core of things as i see it. So if your experiencing that. And jesus experienced that. Its the same its just your name is somebody elses. Jesus is popular but that doesnt make him an owner of love. Nobody owns it it is everybodys true nature that is revealed when its suppose to. Its all good and all equal imo.

Good luck and hope my rambling is helpful


 

 

11/18/2016 3:01 pm  #5


Re: If I may, share my story, in hopes to find some inner peace....

Thank you all so much!


"The lamps are different, but the light is the same" - Rumi
"The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing" - Socrates
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